Let me speak to you as the self-proclaimed “luckiest girl in the world”: good fortune is a curse. Sugarcoated, deceiving and inherently ugly. Or so I’ve experienced it for most of my life.

To spare you the long-winded story of how we got here, my life trajectory can be summed up by the phrase “right place, right time”. Sounds idyllic to some, but is annoying to most. Especially when it seems to be a constant, undeniable reality.

In my case, what started as one lucky break became a really consistent 4-year streak of professional opportunities and recognition. Eventually, it didn’t matter how hard I worked or how well I would be doing. There was an understanding I was just that blessed. Sharing news at the dinner table or at drinks with friends was seen as “unnecessary bragging”.

My most recent lucky break is this. Writing for you, here. From an actual office desktop of one of the biggest Greek newspapers, instead of just my personal blog on my couch back home. I barely told anyone outside my immediate circle because, once again, me writing for a publication is just my luck. Despite going through two rounds of interviews and being willing to beg for the job if necessary.

So, what’s the difference between luck and privilege? When is it valid to deem any one person undeserving, and when is it cruel?

To have more luck than (makes) sense

My first golden streak was fresh out of high school, when I got the opportunity to step onto my first ever film set abroad a couple months after graduation. My boyfriend at the time gave me a call inviting me to join him on an indie feature film in the U.S. Since I had decided to take a gap year before going off to college, it was perfect timing.

Among us volunteers, there were a few professionals in key positions. One of those was the electrician/G&E – a tall Russian who taught me basically all set etiquette I since also preach. He taught me in practice as I went on to help him on a couple projects. This fun side quest unexpectedly snowballed into a 4-year career when I returned to Greece. It felt like destiny was writing itself… but it came with a caveat. Repeated, relentless questioning by peers and friends alike as to whether I really deserved to be there. Am I taking up space someone has worked harder for? Don’t I feel bad that I don’t have a college degree related to the field?

Or my personal favorite: Why are you even allowed to be here?

The questions stopped being cute after a couple years and started eating at me. Even my best days were overshadowed by a gnawing feeling of guilt. Should I press pause on this and get a college degree? Will that finally make the hours I spend working be seen as my own? Given the chance you’ll easily be proven unworthy of luck under the pretense that you don’t merit having it that easy.

You can just as well cast your luck away by yourself. No external factors required.

Fortune knocks once at least at every man’s door

Many of my friends struggle to get into the field of their choice, even after devoting years to it. Almost all of us have eventually done jobs we didn’t care for just to pay the rent, myself included. So most days, it feels wrong for me to be outwardly happy when my friends are still on the climb, facing far bigger and scarier hurdles than me.

I have developed a very confusing internal struggle wherein I can’t set proper boundaries between life and work. “Clocking out” isn’t something I do well. There’s a guilt around being able to do what I love for a living. It looms, it lurks, it stops me from being normal about my working hours… and it’s a pain in my ass. Not only that, it’s proven to be dangerous. The biggest UNO reverse card you can pull on your luck is get burned out, and that’s basically a sneeze away when you can’t ever truly clock out of work. Around this time 2 years ago I sneezed and lost all my mojo, together with my general will to do anything other than eat and sleep.

Now, this is the part where good friends (or a good therapist) come in handy. In case you don’t have one of those available and you’re in this tough spot, allow me to pass on a message:

Luck will show you a door, but it is still you who has to reach out for the handle; twist, pull, and walk in. While there are many opportunities I’ve jumped at, there are just as many I have fumbled or ignored. It is true that we make our own luck to some extent: through the energy we emit, the kindness we choose to put into the world, how we apply ourselves to our goals.

I ain’t got to knock on wood

You’ve probably figured it out by now, but the question posed at the beginning of this article isn’t one worth answering. Or torturing yourself over, like I’ve done.

After years of asking myself if and why and how I am worthy of all I have, overthinking every answer, trying to tick every box and prove myself to everyone, it all became clear when I was at my worst. Chronically unemployed, rewatching Gossip Girl for the millionth time while doomscrolling. Through the familiar echoes of the show, I heard Taylor Momsen’s character Jenny Humphrey say this:

“You might be privileged Blair, but you worked for everything you’ve achieved, Serena just glides through”

I looked up from my phone. That’s interesting.

“Serena just glides through”

Sure, opportunities can chase you but that’s pretty rare. It requires a whole other level of charm, an ‘it girl’ aura of sorts. That moment compelled me to retrace my steps pragmatically: where I started, where I went and how it’s going. Luck presented me with extra choices, but it didn’t chase me or let me ‘glide through’. The choices I made were final and had real consequences, good and bad. I chose to go help on an indie film, I chose to not leave for college, I chose to apply myself and learn on the job.

Much like I chose to listen to everyone else instead of recognizing my own drive, passion and determination.

There’s a quote I saw recently I think sums up my final thoughts well:

“Good luck is another name for tenacity of purpose.”

In short, your luck remains in your hands. You make it what it is. Bitterness, anger and jealousy are all counterintuitive ─ whether coming from you or the people around you. Luck smiles on those who smile back, it’s not worth casting it away for the sake of anyone else’s comfort. I will continue to be insufferably, unapologetically lucky for as long as I can help it; social awkwardness and doubt be damned.