Any guy who asks out Shreya Murthy better be prepared to take her to a meal on their first date.
“There’s a level of intimacy you get, and there’s a time frame built in when you’re at dinner, or at lunch, versus at a bar or at a coffee shop,” said Murthy, a 25-year-old paralegal.
Since swearing off first-date coffees and drinks two years ago, Murthy has gone out with fewer men overall. But her dates have led to stronger connections. Now she understands that if a guy refuses the suggestion of lunch or dinner, he’s not for her.
Modern dating can feel like a rat race, where meetups are faster, cheaper and more abundant. Dating is a numbers game; the more you swipe on the apps, the more matches you get, the more dates you have. It feels impractical and slightly antiquated to dedicate more than a little bit of time, energy and money to each person you’re likely to never see again. The lower your investment, the less of a crushing blow it can be if it doesn’t work out.
But now, Murthy and some of her Gen Z peers are pushing to revive the first-date dinner. They’re fed up with a dating culture that makes them feel disposable, competing with an endless stream of suitors on apps where someone else is just a swipe away. They want to know they have their date’s time and attention.
“I’m going to be so real, I don’t think I’d ever even go out with someone who would actively balk at [eating together] at this point in my life,” Murthy said. “I think that signals certain things to me and things that I do not want in a relationship.”
I tend to disagree with this. As a millennial with almost two decades of dating experience and scores of first dates under my belt, I opt almost exclusively for drinks. A walk is too casual, dinner too formal. The more time and money invested in a first date, the more pressure I feel to enjoy myself. Once, a date insisted on dinner at Cervo’s, a trendy downtown Manhattan seafood restaurant; when the bill came, he asked if I wanted to split it, “feminist style.” (The issue was not splitting but that he used the words “feminist style.”)
Now, coming off a breakup and re-entering the dating world, I’ve noticed younger people online challenging the courtship norms that many millennials like me had come to accept, expecting more from their romantic prospects.
“A guy who’s taking a girl to dinner is probably not taking three other girls to dinner that week,” Alexa Vargas, a 30-year-old project manager in San Diego, posted on TikTok . “But a guy who’s taking a girl to coffee can easily take three other girls to coffee that week.”
After she posted the video, Vargas said that she received some ire from men. “There was one comment in particular: ‘Why would I take a girl to dinner and spend my money on a girl I’m most likely never going to see again?’” she said. “This is exactly why I don’t like coffee dates. This man is suggesting that he should put in low effort because he is not invested in finding a serious relationship.”
I’ve shied away from dinner dates because they can open a Pandora’s box of awkward moments: getting food in your teeth and risking, at any moment, answering a question before you’ve finished chewing—or your date doing the same. It’s hard to say which is worse.
But no date, and certainly no relationship, is ever safe from embarrassing situations. You may find them endearing. Kalissa Persaud, a 24-year-old actress in New York City whose earliest dates with her now-boyfriend were dinner dates, recounted how his spice intolerance helped her fall for him.
“He starts sweating when he eats spicy food,” Persaud said of their second date at a taco restaurant. “I thought it was quite sweet; he was trying to use the napkin and wipe and look nice for me, despite sweating and maybe not being able to tolerate those flavors.”
There are still plenty of young people who prefer coffee or a cocktail. Dinner reservations can be a lot of effort for a stranger. Some men have expressed online that they think many women are looking to score a free meal while a guy picks up the check.
Evan Masterson, a 23-year-old in Brooklyn, argued that was “a sad way to look at the world.”
“I think if you’re putting a monetary value on yourself, then go to dinner alone,” he said, adding, “I highly doubt they would look at a male interaction that way.”
Dating coach Samantha Burns said that she’d noticed the younger generation preferred lower-commitment first dates with built in flexibility, like drinks into meals or coffee into walks.
“Many feel a sit down dinner is more appropriate for a third date, once you’ve already established chemistry, easy flowing dialogue, and enough interest to invest your time and money,” she said.
Sharing similar eating habits with romantic partners matters more to Gen Z compared with the rest of Americans. 67% of their cohort say it’s important to share food preferences and dining habits, compared with 62% for millennials and 55% for Americans overall, according to a recent poll by OpenTable. On Hinge, a new feature allows users to signal their preferred first-date activity to potential matches: While dinner is Gen Z’s most-chosen date activity, it drops to fourth place for Millennials. And 67% of Gen Z users on Hinge, compared with 63% of millennials, said they wanted to build romantic connections without relying on alcohol.
“Dinner dates naturally involve things like discussing preferences, sharing things, compromising and making decisions together, which are all key parts of a relationship,” said Emma Kendall, a 26-year-old lawyer living in Australia. “You get a taste of how the other person might approach those discussions.”
Drinks had become so de rigeur for me, I hadn’t much considered the benefits of sitting down to dinner, only the drawbacks. But hearing from these younger people made me realize a meal shouldn’t be as terrifying as I’d made it out to be. My fear of dinner was perhaps more a fear of commitment than anything else.
But there’s an upside to dinner for commitment-phobes like me: It offers a clear, definitive out. You can linger at a bar, coffee shop or the park, but when you’re done eating, the restaurant will eventually need its table back.
Farhan Sayeed, a 20-year-old student at New York University, appreciates that a date can end when the waiter brings the check: “A meal helps with bad dates because if you realize you’re incompatible with that person, your meal with them won’t last as long.”
